20 CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT 

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is. 
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and
my butt wiggling while yelling woo-ho is truly the
sexiest dance move around. 
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass
and honestly believe I could do it too. 
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more
like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four
hours ago. 
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which
I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry),
pick it up and carry on eating it. 
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I
love them sooooo much. 
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to
start work. 
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek
sitting next to me. 
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade
teacher. 
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand
on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on
their own so I keep them half closed and think it
looks exotically sexy. 
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really
good at it. 
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me
by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I
can no longer taste the gin. 
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely
like the kitchen floor. 
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't
take this the wrong way but..." 
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I
sit on it. 
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down
moves. 
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I
happen to be standing)and take a quick nap. 
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly
pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away
from my drink. 
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their
fault that I'm having problems walking straight. 




Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: When the drool runs out both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four

Q: How do you stop the spread of aids?
A: Let BMG distribute it.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: What do a drum solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche

Q: What's the first thing a drummer does in the morning?
A: Puts on his clothes and goes home.

Relative minor: A guitarist's
girlfriend.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My
Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to
'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the
first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the
second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4
time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a
rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you
did it last night!"

If you can't be a lead singer, then try to be a guitar player.
If you can't be a guitar player, then try to be a drummer.
If you can't be a drummer, then try to be a sound technician.
If you can't be a sound technician, then try to be a light tec.
If you can't be a light tec., then try to be a rodie, or bouncer or bartender, or even a barfly
AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS, play bass.



How to be a Man

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
d. When your date is using her teeth.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you
have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the
classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man (in fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly 
optional).


On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the 
weakest.


While your girlfriend must bond with your friends' girlfriends within
30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with
her gal pals' significant dick-heads --- low level sports bonding is
all the law requires.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick-drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see 
nothin'.

Women who claim to "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of
a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire
and threw it into a ceiling fan.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if
necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.



Police warn all male party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to 
keep alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date 
rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by females to target unsuspecting men. 
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available 
almost anywhere "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and 
bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. 
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few 
units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men 
are rendered helpless against this approach: After several "beers" men 
will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking 
women to whom they would never normally be attracted. Men often awaken after 
being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to 
them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At 
other times these unfortunate men are stung for their life's worth in a familiar 
scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men are easier victims for this scam 
after "beer" is administered and have previously been sexually approached. 
 
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you 
fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering 
it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can 
discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank 
manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. 

For the nearest such support group, just look up "Golf Courses" 
in the yellow pages.